Our fast-paced world with information-overload has made silence appear either
undesirable or unattainable. Yet, in the virtue of silence lies the hidden power of
temperance – the power to listen deeply and make authentic connections with both
God and those we hold dear. This blog explores the importance of silence in
fostering healthy and fulfilling relationships, and some practical ways to grow in this
virtue.
The Lost Art
There are many forms of art that are no longer being prioritised. This includes the art
of communication – which includes silence. What we say is just as important as what
we don’t say, choose not to say or indeed, when we choose to remain silent. Our
world offers us a constant barrage of noise – from social media notifications, the
never-ending news cycle, to music being played everywhere we go – it can drown
out the subtleties that are called for in our relationships. We’ve become accustomed
to filling every pause with the noise of a conversation, missing opportunities to truly
listen and understand the person in front of us which can be hindering the very thing
we’re looking for in communicating with them – deeper connection and
understanding – to love them authentically.
Christian Practice of Silence
Perhaps some of the only places where silence is still expected is in the act of prayer
in the life of a religious, and in our case, a Christian. Contemplative prayer, a practice
of quiet reflection and listening for God’s voice, exemplifies the very power that
silence has by deepening our connection with God. Similarly, the Bible emphasizes
the importance of attentive listening. James 1:19 reminds us to be ‘Quick to hear and
slow to speak’ and proverbs 2:2 reminds us there is ‘wisdom’ to be found in listening.
This listening then requires periods of silence.
Growing Silence in Relationships
– Active Listening:
Most of the time we listen to respond, but active listening
allows us to truly take pause to hear the other person, and to understand what
they are saying from their perspective – to step into their shoes and be. By
quieting our own internal chatter, which often starts with a busy mind, we can
focus on their verbal and non-verbal communication to help us to empathise
and understand – creating a welcoming space to receive them as they are.
– Building Trust:
When we actively listen, we naturally build trust with that
person. They can see that we welcome them no matter what their thoughts
may be – whether joyfully excited, or frustrated and sad. Our ability to deeply
listen gives opportunity for us to bear witness to their lives, and to our
Christian call to love.
– Self-Awareness:
The silence allows us to reflect on our own thoughts and
feelings – giving us opportunity for own growth in self-knowledge but also
opportunity to respond more meaningfully, in a way that is genuinely loving
towards the other, and not reactionary from our own biases and triggers.
Some Practicals
– Schedule “Silent Dates”:
Dedicate time to simply being present with your
partner/spouse, without conversation. Enjoy a shared activity like a walk in
nature or a quiet meal together – but take it in bite size pieces.
– Practice Mindfulness:
Mindfulness exercises can train your mind to notice
the thoughts and sensations in the present, and to resist the urge to fill the
void and instead to allow the moment to be.
– Put Down the Phone:
Everyone knows this one, but only a few do this. Put
the phone away. Not just down, but away. A visible phone at any event (even
if it’s switched off) with another person signals that we are only attentive to the
person until the phone becomes more interesting or important – a notification,
phone call, message, or doom scrolling. Create spaces for undivided attention
both verbally and non-verbally.
– Be the last to speak:
How often do we jump in to give our opinion, or offer
advice, suggestions, or even to reflect what we have heard. Simon Sinek
suggests ‘be the last to speak’
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vzq7aRqfJmI].
Giving others a chance to speak before you, will not only allow others to be heard by you, and be made
to feel that their voice is important to you but it also offers you more
information to reflect on before making your own response.
Conclusion
At first, deliberately inviting silence into our relationships may feel counterintuitive.
Yet, by allowing our own judgements to mindfully pass by, we can practice and
embrace the power of quiet listening and active reflection to cultivate deeper
connections with both God and neighbour – powerful relationships that flourish in
silence.
Written by Stina Constantine
Founder and director of Virtue Ministry.